Hey hey, you made it! Welcome to the party!

We’re all here for a special reason – to spread some love and hope to those struggling with sex and love addiction. It’s all about doing a few simple steps that lead to a spiritual awakening, and then helping others do the same.

My name is ____, and I’ve been a part of this program for _____ and I’ve been clean for over _______ after a wild career of ______.

In the next hour, I’m going to show you exactly how SLAA, Sex Love Addicts Anonymous members have kicked sex love addiction to the curb with those simple steps.

 

If you need any materials, you can find them at the bottom of the 12 step workshop script: https://citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript

 Now, here’s the deal:  before we start, let’s get some ground rules down. To keep things safe, we’re going to be on video – if you need to step away, just log out and log back in. Make sure your camera is set up nice and steady, and keep it at eye level so we can all see you. And dress appropriately, of course! we’re going to save feedback, questions, concerns, and comments until after the meeting at 10pm. This is a beginner’s meeting, so anyone can join in. And to make sure things run smoothly, the host will mute everyone while we’re reading the script. We expect everyone to be fully present and participate – if not, we’ll put you in a virtual waiting room. And if these ground rules don’t work for you, feel free to step out now.

Sounds good?

 

 Alright, let’s get started!

Check it out – this is the basic text of Sex Love Addicts Anonymous. (Show book in live video or webpage https://store.slaafws.org/prod/BO-004.html  and basic text audio https://slaafws.org/ )  It all started back in 1961 with one of the founding members sharing his story of struggling with sex and love addiction for 15 years before finding recovery with SLAA. The book even recommends checking out Alcoholics Anonymous too, (live video or webpage https://www.aa.org/the-big-book ) so we’ll be using that today along with some other texts, including the 12 steps illustrated (show PDF https://documentcloud.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:1c7eba20-23c6-499b-84f5-0e192a607c6d  ) for some simpler language for the 12 steps.

The First Step in simpler terms is admitting that sex and love addiction has us beat and our lives are all jacked up. The basic text of SLAA describes it as using other people as a way to avoid dealing with our own issues of insecurity, loneliness, and lack of personal worth.

And get this – in the SLAA pamphlet On Setting Bottom Lines, (show pdf) they compare addictive, destructive behaviors to taking that first drink for alcoholics. They can seriously mess with our self-control.

We’ve got a list of 40 personalized behaviors that can be seriously addictive and destructive, the list comes from the bottom line pamphlet, the basic text of SLAA, and program members themselves. Check it out on screen or in the meeting script at https://citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript/ – each person’s list might have just a few behaviors or a whole lot more.

Here’s a list of 40 addictive, destructive behaviors that can seriously mess with our lives:

  • Contacting my sex qualifier
  • Contacting my love qualifier
  • Binge dating
  • INSTamacy
  • Swiping excessively
  • Erotica
  • Intriguing
  • Fantasizing
  • Masturbating
  • Sextexting
  • Cheating in committed relationships
  • Unhealthy pickup
  • Being a matchmaker in an unhealthy way
  • Having an affair
  • Excessive dependence on one person
  • Participating in romantic intrigue
  • Not leaving an abusive relationship
  • Compulsive avoidance of social/sexual activity
  • Paying for sex
  • Anonymous sex
  • Spending romantic time with someone who is in love with somebody else
  • Having sex with someone who is married
  • Pursuing a new relationship before ending an existing one
  • Having sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship
  • Having sex with a prostitute
  • Following someone home uninvited
  • Doing anything that could reasonably get you arrested
  • Lying to your spouse
  • Masturbating to pornography
  • Having anonymous sex
  • Going to strip clubs
  • Having sex on the first date
  • Having unprotected sex
  • Having sex when you don’t want to
  • Pursuing inappropriate or unavailable people
  • Compulsively avoiding sex in a committed, long-term relationship
  • Not entering or leaving a relationship without consulting my Higher Power and trusted advisors
  • Premature sex
  • Exhibitionistic behavior
  • Voyeurism

But hey, everyone’s list is different – Now, it’s time to write down your own original list of  personalized destructive, addictive behaviors that you feel powerless over  that you feel powerless over or know need to be stopped. Don’t forget to include the date you last engaged in each behavior,  don’t worry, just write down phrases, not whole sentences and title this list  “BOTTOM LINE RED LIGHTS SUBTITLE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS” We will scroll the 40 item list while you compose your own list, we will wait for everyone to complete the list and then raise their virtual hand when completed and then continue the meeting. We’re here to support you!

 

SLAA was founded in 1976 by two women and two men who realized that sex, romance, and dependency were affecting their lives like chemical addictions. They found these 12 characteristics: (show on screen)

 

  1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. 
  2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 
  3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 
  4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
  5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
  6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support. 
  7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
  8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
  9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 
  10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 
  11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 
  12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.  

 

 

(show on screen)

 

Please see any patterns in your destructive behaviors, jot them down too, if they are any of these #s write down just the number! Identifying these patterns helps you avoid new ways of acting out. (show on screen)

 

Next up, we have accessory behaviors. These are minor behaviors that serve our addiction. 

“Here are 24  personalized examples of accessory behaviors, so this list consolidates multiple members lists into a single list, each persons list may have had only 1 or 2 behaviors or many more:  ( pause screen share to show on screen) [MAKE SURE TO SHARE THIS LIST BELOW, NOT SHARE THE CITYLIGHTS HOME PAGE]

 

 

 

  1. Excessive Handshaking
  2. Backrubs 
  3. Hugging
  4. Cruising for sex
  5. Driving in certain neighborhoods
  6. Going places where you will run into a former unavailable partner
  7. Exchanging phone numbers
  8. Screening phone calls
  9. Maintaining multiple phone numbers
  10. Having conversations with an erotic subtext
  11. Contacting former sex partners
  12. Carrying a condom
  13. Dressing provocatively
  14. Keeping a packed overnight bag
  15. Having large amounts of cash in your pocket
  16. Drinking  or using drugs
  17. Ignoring/overlooking abusive behavior
  18. Looking up specific search words on the Internet
  19. Reading romance novels
  20.  Seeing romantic movies
  21.  Reading personal ads
  22.  Routinely rejecting social invitations
  23.  Obsessing/fantasizing about unavailable people
  24.  Making eye contact

 

Compose an original list  of your personalized accessory behaviors with the most recent date you engaged in each behavior title this part of the full list “middle lines yellow lights accessory behaviors. “(show on screen)

 

While looking at your destructive and accessory behaviors lists. Take a look at everything you have written. Can you admit to yourself that sex and love have you down and your life is a mess? My answer is yes, what about you.

If yes, congratulations! You’ve completed step one.

 

The good news, step two, (show on screen pdf)  is that there’s help out there, fam! Yo, Step Two.  so SLAA is a crew of 19k peeps all around the globe who have beaten Sex and Love Addiction. The Big Book of the sister program, which is our main read today, tells us that we’re a bunch of homies who wouldn’t normally hang out, but our common struggles have brought us together like super glue. We ain’t a fancy organization, and the only requirement to join is wanting to stop acting out. This specific meeting is part of Citylights New York dot org, and our next meeting is an in person meeting tomorrow night all the deets on our website https://www.citylightsnyc.org/

Alright, listen up squad! Step 2 is when we realize that we need help to get back on track and stay sane. But it’s up to each of us to figure out what kind of help we need, whether it’s coming to this lit meeting, taking a trip to NYC, or even turning to a famous religious figure – whatever works for you, yo!

The Big Book says that once we’re willing to believe in a higher power, we start seeing some real results. So, where do we start looking for that power? Turns out, we don’t need to look any further than ourselves, fam! The Big Book says that the “Great Reality” is already deep down within us.

We’ve already listed out all the whack behaviors that are holding us back, so now it’s time to focus on the dope habits that bring us joy, growth, and a better life. Let’s get it, squad!

 

Here are 16 examples from members in the program (continue reading below):

  1. Pray and meditate
  2. Leave the house today
  3. Take care of myself today (for example: brushing teeth … )
  4. Talk to my sponsor before turning down an invitation to a social event
  5. Show up for my commitments (dates, meetings, etc.)
  6. Playing a musical instrument
  7. Taking a class
  8. Exercising
  9. Communing with nature
  10. Expressing creativity
  11. Asking for help and support from friends
  12. Scheduling a time for social interaction, partnership and intimacy
  13. Saying affirmations each day
  14. Calling as many people as needed to actually talk with someone, not just leaving voicemails
  15. Play games or sports with others
  16. Reading chapter 5 of the basic text on withdrawal from bottom lines

 

Listen up, squad! We’re about to drop some fire healthy behaviors that are gonna have you feeling your best. Let’s call this section “Top Lines Green Lights” – ’cause these habits are all about giving you the green light to live your best life! Make your original to you only list 

(Pause to complete list)

Okay, peeps, let’s dive back into the Big Book for a sec. Here’s the key question we gotta ask ourselves: “Do I believe there’s help out there for me, or am I at least willing to believe it?”

It’s a simple question, but it’s super important when it comes to making a change in our lives. So, what’s your answer, fam? Are you ready to believe in yourself and the help that’s out there for you? Let’s get it!

 

According to the basic text authors, those who answered yes have taken step 2. 

 

Remember, fam, you’re not alone in this. We’re here to support you, and together, we can overcome this addiction. Let’s get it!

 

STEP 3  I let a higher power take over. 

 

Step 3 is about letting a higher power take over. We need to realize that trying to control everything ourselves won’t lead to success. Selfishness is at the root of our problems, and it’s important to get rid of it to overcome our addiction. We need to find a higher power to help us because our addiction is too powerful to handle alone. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get sober? If so, are you willing to commit to abstaining from destructive behaviors and patterns on a daily basis? Let’s give those who answered yes a round of applause. The third step involves a prayer that we’ll share on screen, and we’ll unmute you so you can say it with us.

 

“Hey there, Big G! I’m totally down to be your wingperson and work together on this life journey. I’m open to whatever plans you have in store for me and I’m ready to surrender my selfish ways. Help me break free from my own limitations so that I can be a vessel for your will. Please remove any obstacles in my path so that I can show others how awesome you are – your strength, compassion, and way of living life to the fullest!”

 

STEP 4: I need to take a hard look at my life and identify what’s been blocking me. We call this step a “personal inventory” and it’s like taking stock of our lives to discover the truth about ourselves. We identify the flaws in our character that have caused our failures and consider how our selfishness has affected us and others. We don’t do this alone but with the help of another sober sex love addict.

 

STEP 5: I tell my story and admit all I did wrong. This is a vital step that we can’t skip if we want to overcome our addiction. We need to be honest with someone about our past mistakes and shortcomings in order to fully complete our personal inventory. We’ll answer 9 questions with a sharing partner in a breakout room for 10 minutes. It’s important to be honest and open so we can live a happier and healthier life.

 

  1. Hey fam, let’s break it down! Partner A is gonna ask Partner B, “What or who is grinding your gears right now?” and B is gonna list off people, institutions, or ideas that are making them angry. A is gonna write down B’s answers in the chat. Definition: RESENTMENT. When we hold a grudge against someone for a real or imagined insult, we feel resentment. It’s like being really mad or bitter for a long time. It’s when we feel like we’ve been wronged or hurt by someone, and we can’t let it go. If your sharing partner played a role, blame wise, in any of their resentments, even just a little bit, then give that entry on the list a plus!. B will do the same for A and add plus signs if necessary. Finally, B will help A list their answers to question 1 in the chat and press send after answering all 9 questions.
  2. A asks B, recording B’s answers: What gives you the major chill? Let’s get down to it and see if there’s anyone or anything that’s got you shook. FEAR is when we’re scared of losing something we have or not getting something we want. It can show up in lots of different ways, like being afraid of spiders or heights, or worrying about what might happen in the future. Spill the tea. Yo, listen up fam! If your sharing partner played a role, blame wise, in any of their fears, even just a little bit, then give that entry on the list a plus! It’s all about being real with each other and owning up to our actions. Let’s support each other on this journey! B now asks A and records As answers to q 2.
  3. A to B: Who have you been hella selfish towards lately? It’s all good, we’ve all been there. SELFISHNESS is when we only care about ourselves and what makes us happy, even if it hurts other people. It’s like saying, “It’s all about me” instead of thinking about how we can help others. According to the Oxford Group, it’s when we care too much about our own stuff and not enough about other people. It’s important to think about why we’re living our lives and if we’re helping others or just thinking about ourselves. Self-centeredness – it’s like when we only care about ourselves and don’t want to work with other people. We might like to be the center of attention or think our opinions are the only ones that matter. It’s important to remember that we’re part of a team and that we need to work together with others. Think about individuals, institutions, and principles that you’ve put your own needs ahead of. Assume all are pluses! B now asks A and records As answers to q 3
  4. A to B: Who have you fibbed to? It’s time to come clean and own up to it! DISHONESTY is when we lie or cheat or steal. It’s not being truthful with others, and it can hurt people and damage relationships. It’s when we keep what’s in our mind from others. Add a plus for each name.  B now asks A and records As answers to q4
  5. A to B: Are you feeling like the king or queen of the world or like a total loser? Let’s talk about false pride and if you’ve been putting others down or elevating yourself too high. FALSE PRIDE is when we think we’re better than other people or when we feel really bad about ourselves. It’s like when we put other people down to make ourselves feel better or superior to other people or when we feel like we’re not good enough and feel like we’re not good enough or we might feel like someone else is better than us. It can show up in different ways, like when we want people to like us or when we’re afraid of being embarrassed. We might also feel inferior to other people, and that can affect how we act. Plus for each name if you’re to blame! B now asks A and records B now asks A and records As answers to q5 
  6. A to B: Are there any relationships that you just can’t seem to trust? JEALOUSY is when we don’t trust someone and it can make us feel really insecure and upset. It’s about not trusting people. We might want someone to only pay attention to us. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, it’s important to address those feelings. Plus for each blame! B now asks A and records As answers to q6
  7. Do you find yourself coveting someone else’s things? Let’s be honest and own up to it! ENVY is when we want something that someone else has, like their phone or their clothes or their car. It can make us feel like we’re missing out or like we’re not good enough. It’s when we really want something that someone else has and we don’t want to share our own things. We might be too worried about our own stuff and not think about other people Plus for each name listed.  B now asks A and records As answers to q7
  8. Where have you been slacking lately? It’s cool, we all have our lazy moments. LAZINESS is when we don’t feel like doing anything or when we put things off until later. It’s like when we don’t want to do our homework or clean our room, and we just want to watch TV or play video games instead. Let’s add a plus for each item you can think of. B now asks A and records As answers to q8
  9. Who have you hurt through your unsober sex and love? This is a tough one, but it’s important to address. Plus for each name listed. B now asks A and records As answers to q9

 

We have now completed steps 4 and 5

 

Okay, so now we’re gonna talk about Step 6 and 7.

Yo, my squad, let’s get into it! In this Step, the “Big Book” is asking us to answer a simple question to ourselves when we’re ready. Are you down to let God take away all the bad stuff that you just admitted to your sharing partner is totally not cool? If you said yes, then boom, you just took Step 6 like a boss! It’s all about being real with ourselves and working towards a better future. Let’s do this thing, fam!

 If the answer is yes, we move on to Step 7 where we say a prayer asking for help with that.

Hey, Supreme Being! I’m totally vibin’ with giving you everything I’ve got – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s get rid of any of my flaws that are holding me back from being a boss for you and a true squadmate to my peeps. I wanna be a source of good vibes and positivity, so please help me work on my weak spots. With your help, I know I can slay and be an asset to you and those around me! We have now completed step 7.

Hey my squad, let’s get into it! Here’s the deal:  check it out! Step 8 So like, who did I hurt? And how can I make it right? So in Step 9, we gotta actually make things right with the peeps we’ve hurt. We made a list of all the people we’ve hurt, and that list includes all the names with plus signs from our breakout room. These are the people we’re willing to make things right with through amends. We made this list when we took inventory and gave ourselves a good, hard look in the mirror. Now, it’s time to go out and repair the damage we’ve caused in the past. We gotta clean up the mess we made when we were trying to do things our own way. If we’re not feeling up to it, we gotta ask for help until we are. Remember, we agreed at step 3 that we’re gonna do whatever it takes to stay sober and keep up the good work.

Now, let’s talk about the difference between an apology and an amends. We don’t just say sorry in this program, we actually fix things. An apology is a polite gesture that doesn’t always mean we’re admitting guilt or regret. But an amends means making it up to them and fixing the harm we’ve caused. There’s four ways to do this: 1) direct, 2) living, 3) service (a.k.a. in-kind), and 4) letter.

 If we go the direct route, we gotta meet up with the person face-to-face or by call or online.  We start by saying 1. why we’re there, 2. what we did wrong, 3. and asking if there’s anything else we need to know from them about how we hurt them. We gotta be real and most importantly 4. ask if there’s anything we can do to make things right.

The second way is to live it out, by behaving honestly and with good intent, changing our behavior and doing better in the future. If we cheated in the past, we gotta be honest now. We gotta put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and ask how we can be helpful.

The third way is through service, like running a meeting and helping others with their inventory. 

The fourth way is a letter amends. If we can’t meet in person we can write a letter, share the latter with our sharing partner and then delete the letter.

We’re gonna split up into breakout rooms for five minutes to finish up our amends list and put a “#” next to each name to show which type of amends we need to make:1 for direct, 2 for living, 3 for service, and 4 for letter.

Remember, in Step 3, we agreed to do whatever it takes to be sober, and that means making amends. Dr. Bob from the sister program learned he couldn’t recover until he made his amends, and he did it all in one day! So, starting tomorrow, let’s do our homework and try to fix things wherever we can, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Are you down for that? I am! If you said yes, you have partially completed step 9.

 

Step 10 is like checking yourself before you wreck yourself! You gotta keep an eye out for selfishness, lying, being mad at others, and being scared. If you spot any of these bad habits, you gotta ask God to kick ’em out, talk to someone about it, and say sorry if you need to. Then, switch your focus to helping someone else with their struggles in slaa. When you do this, you won’t be tempted to cross the line and break your sober streak. Are you going to start doing this step?

STEP 11

Yo yo yo, listen up y’all! When we hit the sack at night, we gotta take a minute to review our day. Were we all mad, greedy, lying or scared? Do we owe someone an apology? After we finish our review, we ask a higher power for forgiveness and find out what we can do to make things right.

In the morning, before we get up and start our day, we need to think about what we’re gonna do for the next 24 hours. This is from Dr. Bob’s homie’s “How to Listen to God” guide. If you wanna get in touch with your higher power, you gotta be willing to try and be honest about it.

So let’s all try to meet these conditions:

  • Be quiet and still
  • Listen
  • Be honest about every thought
  • Test the thoughts to make sure they’re from higher power
  • Obey

Right now, chill out and get in tune… Before we start our quiet time, let’s ask a higher power to guide our thoughts and keep them away from self-pity, lying, and selfishness.

Now, back to the “How to Listen to God” guide… Open your heart to higher power and just listen. Be relaxed and open, and let God do the talking. Thoughts and ideas will come to you, so be alert and aware of them. And write everything down! Don’t sort or edit your thoughts yet. Write down everything that comes to mind – good, bad, uncomfortable, even “crazy” thoughts.

After about 30 seconds, when your thoughts slow down, take a good look at what you’ve written. Not every thought comes from higher power, so we need to test them. Check if they answer any of the 9 questions from our first breakout session. If they do, they’re not from higher power.

Put a checkmark next to thoughts that come from higher power and carry out the good ones. You’ll only know if you’re on the right track as you start following higher power’s guidance.  Take a moment to make those check marks. 

Yo, peeps! So, check it – Bill W., the OG founder of this sister program, used to think acting out was the answer to all his problems. But, he realized that being sober and letting his higher power lead the way was actually an uncommon sense move. If you’ve connected with your higher power and started taking its advice, you’ve had what we call the “psychic change,” according to the big book. So, the real question now is: are you gonna ask your higher power to help you live your best life?

Those who answered yes have taken step 11.

 

But that’s not all, folks! To keep that spiritual transformation going, we gotta take action. “Faith without work is dead.” 

Yo, check it out! Chapter 7 of the Big Book says that working with other sex love addicts is the key to staying sober and happy. When you see people recovering and helping each other, it gives your life a whole new meaning! You gotta be a part of this fellowship and make some dope new friends.

Back in the day 1946 this one sister program group in Minneapolis had a 75% success rate of members staying sober from breaking their bottom lines that year, and members who stuck around for a few years never slipped up again. But nowadays, less than half of people make it to Step 12, which is a bummer.  

So here’s the deal on that group having that success rate: as soon as a newcomer shows up, we should get them through the Steps ASAP, thats how they got that success rate. Like, tomorrow if possible. Because sometimes it’s hard to talk about our issues with just anyone, but in this community, we got your back.

And once you go through the Steps and make amends, you’ll experience a life-changing spiritual awakening that’ll help you stay sane and resist any temptation to act out. Just make sure you’re checking up on yourself and helping others out too.

We can’t do this alone, we need a higher power and the support of each other. And if you don’t do Step 12, you’re gonna be in a world of hurt. So let’s get to it! Make those amends this week and come back next week to share your experience and even lead this meeting after re-reading the script.

So, are you down to live by these Steps and get better? Will you help other sex love addicts and save lives? We hope so, ’cause we’re all in this together. And to all the newbies out there, don’t worry – we’ve been where you are and we’re here to help. Keep an open mind and you’ll see that there’s nothing too difficult to overcome. We’re not perfect, but we’re here for you, and we know you’ll learn to love us just like we already love you. Let’s stay focused and work together to be our best selves!

 

Let’s all say the closing statement together: 

Yo, listen up fam! We gotta keep showing up because this thing works when we put in the effort. We’re all valuable and totally deserve to be our best selves, so let’s put in the work and make it happen. Together, we got this and we can totally live our best lives!

 

PDF for meeting materials:

https://documentcloud.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:1c7eba20-23c6-499b-84f5-0e192a607c6d

 

 

 

END OF WORKSHOP SCRIPT

 

——————————————————————————————————————-

 

SHARE MEETING SCRIPT (In person meeting script below)

Script

Chair:

Welcome home.  There is a solution:  Trust Higher Power, Clean House and Do Service.

This is the (Tuesday night/Thursday evening/Saturday afternoon/Sunday morning) Citylights (Book Study/Step Study) meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My name is _______________ and I’m a Sex and Love Addict. Let’s open with a moment of silence to reflect on why we’re here, followed by the

Citylights Weekly Prayer found on our website (https://citylightsnyc.org/prayers/)

(or use serenity prayer if opening prayer of the week has not been posted)

Serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Chair: Our capacity for the…
(Choose one:)

Tuesday evening meeting is 49 people
Thursday evening meeting is 8 people
Saturday afternoon meeting is 8 people
Sunday morning meeting is 8 people

(Choose one:)

(Tuesday) bathrooms are behind and to the left

(Thursday/Saturday/Sunday) Our landlord has strict capacity rules. Please write down the code if you have to go to the bathroom. We will take down the sign on the outside of the door with the code once the capacity has been reached.

Chair: I will describe a broad format of the meeting. Part 1: opening Part 2: book study, Part 3: sharing, Part 4: closing.

(Part 1, Opening):

Chair: Citylights New York, citylightsnyc.org, is a distinct and dynamic, but not separate part of SLAA NY created to focus on the recovery of members who want help with the steps and tools of the program  in safe, sober, intimate, handicapped accessible, spiritually-neutral environments. Together, members of Citylights New York support one another in applying the SLAA principles in an empathetic, accepting, inclusive atmosphere. As a part of SLAA, there is no separate membership for attending Citylights meetings. As it states in our Third Tradition, “the only requirement for SLAA membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction.”

Chair: We now read the problem, please read one and then pass, going in a clockwise circle.

(Read the characteristics)

  1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
  2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
  3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
  4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
  5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
  6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support.
  7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
  8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
  9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
  10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
  11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
  12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

 

Chair:  To address the problem the solution starts with the 12 steps, please read one and then pass, continuing clockwise from where the last reading left off

(Read the steps, starting with the person next to the one who just finished reading the characteristics).

  1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

 

Chair: The steps help keep us from killing ourselves, the traditions help keep us from killing each other.

(Read the traditions, starting with the person next to the one who just finished reading the steps).

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SLAA unity.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as this Power may be expressed through our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for SLAA membership is the desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. Any two or more persons gathering together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an SLAA group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.
  4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or SLAA as a whole.
  5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the sex and love addict who still suffers.
  6. An SLAA group or SLAA as a whole ought never to endorse, finance, or lend the SLAA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
  7. Every SLAA group ought to be fully self – supporting, declining outside contributions.
  8. SLAA should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
  9. SLAA as such ought never to be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
  10. SLAA has no opinion on outside issues, hence the SLAA name ought never to be drawn into public controversy.
  11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than on promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, film, and other public media. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all fellow SLAA members.
  12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

 

Chair:

SLAA was started in 1976, in Boston, by a few people who had come to realize that sex, romantic intrigue and dependency were affecting their lives in the same way as had their chemical addictions. They found that the compulsion to continue with promiscuous sex or to return over and over to destructive relationships could not be controlled by willpower alone.

Sobriety is the return of choice, sanity, and personal dignity which comes from surrender to sex and love  addiction, followed by involvement with S.L.A.A.’s Twelve Step Program of recovery. There are no absolutes for sobriety in S.L.A.A., as individual patterns of sex and love addiction vary. However, each S.L.A.A. identifies for him/herself major addictive behavior which is personally relevant, and becomes “sober” by abstaining from this behavior on a daily basis.

 

END OF OPENING

———————————

Chair: Book Study

 

Chair: Can I get a volunteer to be the spiritual timekeeper?

Chair: Timekeeper, please time 12 minutes with a 1 minute warning.

Chair:

(Choose one)

(For Reading meetings–see below for Workshop meetings)

Chair: At this time we will read selections about the topic of the meeting. These selections are taken from conference-approved SLAA literature and other 12-step related literature. Today we are reading from ________ (state the title and if official SLAA literature)  Read a section or two, and then hand the pages on to the next member. We will go around the room clockwise, starting with me. Feel free to say “pass” if you choose not to read.

(During Workshop meetings):

Chair: At this time we will engage in the study portion. I will help members through the item of the meeting.

(remember statement on outside literature)

End of Book Study

CHAIR: We are now ready to begin the  reflection portion of the meeting. We have pen and paper available on the table for those of you who need them. We will take two minutes for all of us to reflect on the topic or to meditate.

Chair: Timekeeper, two minutes please.

[At 2 minutes] say…

(part 3: shares)

Chair: It’s now time to begin the sharing and getting current portion of the meeting. Getting current means that each person has the opportunity to share what is currently happening in his or her life. Particular emphasis is placed on sharing the sexual and emotional situations which appear to pose the major threats, here and now, to maintaining sobriety in SLAA. Getting current is best done on a daily basis within groups, with your sponsor, or with other members. Also, we are here to work the 12 Steps, traditions and the concepts of Sex Love Addicts Anonymous.  Please share about your progress in working the 12 steps of SLAA.

Chair: Can someone read the statement on cross talk?

 

MEMBER READS: Cross-talk, in some areas also called “feedback,” is discouraged at our meetings. Cross-talk is sometimes defined as advice, making direct reference to what someone else has shared or otherwise  drawing attention to another member’s story. Cross-talk is interrupting someone when they are sharing, commenting on what someone shares, talking to someone directly in the meeting, or referencing what someone has said in this or another meeting. We also avoid excessive detailing of our acting out behaviors.

 

Chair: I will start holding the invisible talking stick and will then pass it to the next person in a round-robin. If you don’t want to share, you can say pass.

 

(Shares)

Chair: That is all the time we have for sharing today.

Chair: Treasurer, can you please read the 7th tradition statement?

TREASURER READS OR CHAIR READS:   [Basket for in person: We now pass the (“basket” or “envelope” on Fridays) (“purple pouch” Saturdays and Sundays) ]  According to our 7th Tradition which states, “Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions”.  We have no dues or fees but we do have expenses. Our expenses such as rent and literature are paid by voluntary contributions from our members. Some of the money collected may be sent on to the New York intergroup and to SLAA’s Fellowship-Wide Services office which provide service to the Fellowship on a regional and Worldwide basis respectively. Please give what you can. If you can’t, please keep coming back — we need you more than your money. Details on online contributing are here: https://citylightsnyc.org/contribute/ venmo: @slaacitylights The Paypal email for contributions is citylightspaypal7@gmail.com Please identify the meeting you are contributing from

Chair: Are there any announcements for SLAA or related programs, including service such as literature?

 

Please also announce or have a member announce the next citylights meeting: Thursday noon announce Thursday evening; Sat announce sunday, sunday announce Tuesday workshop, also stating that our meetings can be found on both the citylightsnyc.org website and the the SLAANY .org website. (Donations statement above)

Chair: The best way to help this meeting is to count days off your bottom lines. We recognize progress on bottom lines at our chip ceremony every other Sunday.

Chair: We will now read the “Blessings.”  Please each read a portion and pass the reading on to the next member.

(Read The Blessings)

  1. We came to find intimacy with ourselves, intimacy with God, and then intimacy with others.
  2. In domestic partnerships we discovered a whole new experience of sexuality as a non-addictive medium.
  3. In relationships with others we let go of self-serving power and prestige as driving motives.
  4. Careers that had been exploited mainly for material security at the expense of self-fulfillment no longer appealed to us.
  5. Our usefulness as channels for healing was a direct result of our experience in sickness, as well as in recovery.
  6. We discovered that we could continue to affirm our recovery by working with other sex and love addicts.
  7. We discovered that the source of love, which was of God, had begun to flow from within us.

Chair: We will now read the “Signs of Recovery.  Please each read one or two Signs and pass the reading onto the next member.

(Read The Signs of Recovery)

  1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from our addiction.
  2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power.
  3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession with, the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and emotional dependency.
  4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually.
  5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others.
  6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others.
  7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self-esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude.
  8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects.
  9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings.
  10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others.
  11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership.
  12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the process of recovery.

 

Chair: In closing, I’d like to say that the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.

Chair: A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will realize that there is no circumstance too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while you will discover that, though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you. Talk to one another. Reason things out with someone else. But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

Chair: Would all who care to, please join with me in the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

END OF SHARE MEETING SCRIPT

————————————————————————————————————————-

CITYLIGHTS IN-PERSON MEETING SCRIPT – STEP WORK/TOPIC SHARE

Opening

Welcome everyone. This is the Thursday Evening Citylights Chelsea Meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My name is —— and I’m a Sex and Love Addict. Let’s open with a moment of silence to reflect on why we’re here, followed by the Serenity Prayer.

[Note: Please select a member(s) to read the entire Characteristics and Step]                                                           

  1.     I’ve asked —— to read “The 12 Characteristics
  2.     I’ve asked —— to read “The 12 Steps

Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves by our first names only, and, if you choose, list a few bottom and top lines as well as a feelings check-in, being respectful of the group’s time. If you are an out-of-towner, or a newcomer to this program, or to this meeting, please let us know as we go around the room, so we can welcome you and get to know you better. 

I will start …

Reading and Step Work Portion of the Meeting

The chairperson should select a reading for about 10-15 minutes, about 4-5 pages maximum.  

Topic Share Portion of the Meeting

We are now ready to begin the Topic Share portion of the meeting.  We can select topics around which to orient our shares.  Does anyone have a topic they would like to chat about?

[Have the attendees suggest 3 or so topics which are relevant to the group]

 

Can I get a volunteer to be a spiritual timekeeper? 

[Set the shares for 3 to 4 minutes and have the time keeper say “One Minute Left” when appropriate’

Okay,

Getting Current…means that each person has the opportunity to share what is currently happening in his or her life. Particular emphasis is placed on sharing the sexual and emotional situations which appear to pose the major threats, here and now, to maintaining sobriety in SLAA. Getting current is best done on a daily basis within groups, with your sponsor, or with other members.

In Participation…

…we avoid topics that can lead to dissension or distraction. We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions, sexually abusive, sexist or otherwise offensive language. There is no crosstalk at this meeting. Crosstalk is defined as directly addressing the speaker or conducting side conversations while the meeting is in progress. Please focus on your recovery and avoid comments about a speaker’s testimony. This helps each of us to feel safe. If you have questions or comments about a speaker’s testimony, please wait until after the meeting and then ask their permission to comment on their share. If you feel someone is being too explicit, engaging in crosstalk or other disruptive behavior, you may signify this by raising your hand.  If necessary, the secretary will intervene and ask for a group conscience as to the action to be taken. In these meetings, let the emphasis be on honesty, recovery, and healing; how to apply the twelve steps and traditions in our daily lives.

The sharing portion of the meeting will end at 7:55 PM, unless there’s a group conscience to extend the meeting. We suggest that you refrain from double-dipping until every member has had a chance to share. 

Today’s topics will be “Topic 1”, “Topic 2” or “getting current”.

[Sharing]

That’s all the time we have for sharing today…

Announcements

Are there any announcements for SLAA?

Please also announce or have a member announce the next citylights meeting: Thursday noon announce Thursday evening; Sat announce sunday, sunday announce Tuesday workshop, also stating that our meetings can be found on the citylightsnyc.org website and the slaany.org website

TREASURER READS OR CHAIR READS:   [Basket for in person: We now pass the (“basket” or “envelope” on Fridays) (“purple pouch” Saturdays and Sundays) ]  According to our 7th Tradition which states, “Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions”.  We have no dues or fees but we do have expenses. Our expenses such as rent and literature are paid by voluntary contributions from our members. Some of the money collected may be sent on to the New York intergroup and to SLAA’s Fellowship-Wide Services office which provide service to the Fellowship on a regional and Worldwide basis respectively. Please give what you can. If you can’t, please keep coming back — we need you more than your money. Details on online contributing are here: https://citylightsnyc.org/contribute/ venmo: @slaacitylights The Paypal email for contributions is citylightspaypal7@gmail.com Please identify the meeting you are contributing from

 

Closing

I’ve asked —— to read “The Promises”.  

In closing, I’d like to say that the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.

A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will realize that there is no circumstance too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while you will discover that, though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.

Talk to one another. Reason things out with someone else. But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

Would all who care to, please join with me in the Serenity Prayer.