Share meeting (workshop meeting below)

Script

Chair:

Welcome home.  There is a solution:  Trust Higher Power, Clean House and Do Service.

This is the (Tuesday night/Thursday evening/Saturday afternoon/Sunday morning) Citylights (Book Study/Step Study) meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My name is _______________ and I’m a Sex and Love Addict. Let’s open with a moment of silence to reflect on why we’re here, followed by the

Citylights Weekly Prayer found on our website (https://citylightsnyc.org/prayers/)

(or use serenity prayer if opening prayer of the week has not been posted)

Serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Chair: Our capacity for the…
(Choose one:)

Tuesday evening meeting is 49 people
Thursday evening meeting is 8 people
Saturday afternoon meeting is 8 people
Sunday morning meeting is 8 people

(Choose one:)

(Tuesday) bathrooms are behind and to the left

(Thursday/Saturday/Sunday) Our landlord has strict capacity rules. Please write down the code if you have to go to the bathroom. We will take down the sign on the outside of the door with the code once the capacity has been reached.

Chair: I will describe a broad format of the meeting. Part 1: opening Part 2: book study, Part 3: sharing, Part 4: closing.

(Part 1, Opening):

Chair: Citylights New York, citylightsnyc.org, is a distinct and dynamic, but not separate part of SLAA NY created to focus on the recovery of members who want help with the steps and tools of the program  in safe, sober, intimate, handicapped accessible, spiritually-neutral environments. Together, members of Citylights New York support one another in applying the SLAA principles in an empathetic, accepting, inclusive atmosphere. As a part of SLAA, there is no separate membership for attending Citylights meetings. As it states in our Third Tradition, “the only requirement for SLAA membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction.”

Chair: We now read the problem, please read one and then pass, going in a clockwise circle.

(Read the characteristics)

  1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
  2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
  3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
  4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
  5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
  6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support.
  7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
  8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
  9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
  10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
  11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
  12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

 

Chair:  To address the problem the solution starts with the 12 steps, please read one and then pass, continuing clockwise from where the last reading left off

(Read the steps, starting with the person next to the one who just finished reading the characteristics).

  1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

 

Chair: The steps help keep us from killing ourselves, the traditions help keep us from killing each other.

(Read the traditions, starting with the person next to the one who just finished reading the steps).

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SLAA unity.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as this Power may be expressed through our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for SLAA membership is the desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. Any two or more persons gathering together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an SLAA group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.
  4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or SLAA as a whole.
  5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the sex and love addict who still suffers.
  6. An SLAA group or SLAA as a whole ought never to endorse, finance, or lend the SLAA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
  7. Every SLAA group ought to be fully self – supporting, declining outside contributions.
  8. SLAA should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
  9. SLAA as such ought never to be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
  10. SLAA has no opinion on outside issues, hence the SLAA name ought never to be drawn into public controversy.
  11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than on promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, film, and other public media. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all fellow SLAA members.
  12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

 

Chair:

SLAA was started in 1976, in Boston, by a few people who had come to realize that sex, romantic intrigue and dependency were affecting their lives in the same way as had their chemical addictions. They found that the compulsion to continue with promiscuous sex or to return over and over to destructive relationships could not be controlled by willpower alone.

Sobriety is the return of choice, sanity, and personal dignity which comes from surrender to sex and love  addiction, followed by involvement with S.L.A.A.’s Twelve Step Program of recovery. There are no absolutes for sobriety in S.L.A.A., as individual patterns of sex and love addiction vary. However, each S.L.A.A. identifies for him/herself major addictive behavior which is personally relevant, and becomes “sober” by abstaining from this behavior on a daily basis.

 

END OF OPENING

———————————

Chair: Book Study

 

Chair: Can I get a volunteer to be the spiritual timekeeper?

Chair: Timekeeper, please time 12 minutes with a 1 minute warning.

Chair:

(Choose one)

(For Reading meetings–see below for Workshop meetings)

Chair: At this time we will read selections about the topic of the meeting. These selections are taken from conference-approved SLAA literature and other 12-step related literature. Today we are reading from ________ (state the title and if official SLAA literature)  Read a section or two, and then hand the pages on to the next member. We will go around the room clockwise, starting with me. Feel free to say “pass” if you choose not to read.

(During Workshop meetings):

Chair: At this time we will engage in the study portion. I will help members through the item of the meeting.

(remember statement on outside literature)

End of Book Study

CHAIR: We are now ready to begin the  reflection portion of the meeting. We have pen and paper available on the table for those of you who need them. We will take two minutes for all of us to reflect on the topic or to meditate.

Chair: Timekeeper, two minutes please.

[At 2 minutes] say…

(part 3: shares)

Chair: It’s now time to begin the sharing and getting current portion of the meeting. Getting current means that each person has the opportunity to share what is currently happening in his or her life. Particular emphasis is placed on sharing the sexual and emotional situations which appear to pose the major threats, here and now, to maintaining sobriety in SLAA. Getting current is best done on a daily basis within groups, with your sponsor, or with other members. Also, we are here to work the 12 Steps, traditions and the concepts of Sex Love Addicts Anonymous.  Please share about your progress in working the 12 steps of SLAA.

Chair: Can someone read the statement on cross talk?

 

MEMBER READS: Cross-talk, in some areas also called “feedback,” is discouraged at our meetings. Cross-talk is sometimes defined as advice, making direct reference to what someone else has shared or otherwise  drawing attention to another member’s story. Cross-talk is interrupting someone when they are sharing, commenting on what someone shares, talking to someone directly in the meeting, or referencing what someone has said in this or another meeting. We also avoid excessive detailing of our acting out behaviors.

 

Chair: I will start holding the invisible talking stick and will then pass it to the next person in a round-robin. If you don’t want to share, you can say pass.

 

(Shares)

Chair: That is all the time we have for sharing today.

Chair: Treasurer, can you please read the 7th tradition statement?

TREASURER READS: We now pass the (“basket” or “envelope” on Fridays) (“purple pouch” Saturdays and Sundays) according to our 7th Tradition which states, “Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions”.  We have no dues or fees but we do have expenses. Our expenses such as rent and literature are paid by voluntary contributions from our members. Some of the money collected may be sent on to the local intergroup and to SLAA’s Fellowship-Wide Services office which provide service to the Fellowship on a regional and Worldwide basis respectively. Please give what you can. If you can’t, please keep coming back — we need you more than your money.

Chair: Are there any announcements for SLAA or related programs, including service such as literature?

(Please announce or have a member announce the other Citylights meetings, also stating that our meetings can be found on the SLAANY website)

Chair: The best way to help this meeting is to count days off your bottom lines. We recognize progress on bottom lines at our chip ceremony every other Sunday.

Chair: We will now read the “Blessings.”  Please each read a portion and pass the reading on to the next member.

(Read The Blessings)

  1. We came to find intimacy with ourselves, intimacy with God, and then intimacy with others.
  2. In domestic partnerships we discovered a whole new experience of sexuality as a non-addictive medium.
  3. In relationships with others we let go of self-serving power and prestige as driving motives.
  4. Careers that had been exploited mainly for material security at the expense of self-fulfillment no longer appealed to us.
  5. Our usefulness as channels for healing was a direct result of our experience in sickness, as well as in recovery.
  6. We discovered that we could continue to affirm our recovery by working with other sex and love addicts.
  7. We discovered that the source of love, which was of God, had begun to flow from within us.

Chair: We will now read the “Signs of Recovery.  Please each read one or two Signs and pass the reading onto the next member.

(Read The Signs of Recovery)

  1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from our addiction.
  2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power.
  3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession with, the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and emotional dependency.
  4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually.
  5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others.
  6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others.
  7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self-esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude.
  8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects.
  9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings.
  10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others.
  11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership.
  12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the process of recovery.

 

Chair: In closing, I’d like to say that the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.

Chair: A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will realize that there is no circumstance too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while you will discover that, though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you. Talk to one another. Reason things out with someone else. But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

Chair: Would all who care to, please join with me in the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Citylights In-Person Meeting Script – Step Work/Topic Share

Opening

Welcome everyone. This is the Thursday Evening Citylights Chelsea Meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My name is —— and I’m a Sex and Love Addict. Let’s open with a moment of silence to reflect on why we’re here, followed by the Serenity Prayer.

[Note: Please select a member(s) to read the entire Characteristics and Step]                                                           

  1.     I’ve asked —— to read “The 12 Characteristics
  2.     I’ve asked —— to read “The 12 Steps

Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves by our first names only, and, if you choose, list a few bottom and top lines as well as a feelings check-in, being respectful of the group’s time. If you are an out-of-towner, or a newcomer to this program, or to this meeting, please let us know as we go around the room, so we can welcome you and get to know you better. 

I will start …

Reading and Step Work Portion of the Meeting

The chairperson should select a reading for about 10-15 minutes, about 4-5 pages maximum.  

Topic Share Portion of the Meeting

We are now ready to begin the Topic Share portion of the meeting.  We can select topics around which to orient our shares.  Does anyone have a topic they would like to chat about?

[Have the attendees suggest 3 or so topics which are relevant to the group]

 

Can I get a volunteer to be a spiritual timekeeper? 

[Set the shares for 3 to 4 minutes and have the time keeper say “One Minute Left” when appropriate’

Okay,

Getting Current…means that each person has the opportunity to share what is currently happening in his or her life. Particular emphasis is placed on sharing the sexual and emotional situations which appear to pose the major threats, here and now, to maintaining sobriety in SLAA. Getting current is best done on a daily basis within groups, with your sponsor, or with other members.

In Participation…

…we avoid topics that can lead to dissention or distraction. We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions, sexually abusive, sexist or otherwise offensive language. There is no crosstalk at this meeting. Crosstalk is defined as directly addressing the speaker or conducting side conversations while the meeting is in progress. Please focus on your recovery and avoid comments about a speaker’s testimony. This helps each of us to feel safe. If you have questions or comments about a speaker’s testimony, please wait until after the meeting and then ask their permission to comment on their share. If you feel someone is being too explicit, engaging in crosstalk or other disruptive behavior, you may signify this by raising your hand.  If necessary, the secretary will intervene and ask for a group conscience as to the action to be taken. In these meetings, let the emphasis be on honesty, recovery, and healing; how to apply the twelve steps and traditions in our daily lives.

The sharing portion of the meeting will end at 7:55 PM, unless there’s a group conscience to extend the meeting. We suggest that you refrain from double-dipping until every member has had a chance to share. 

Today’s topics will be “Topic 1”, “Topic 2” or “getting current”.

[Sharing]

That’s all the time we have for sharing today…

Announcements

Are there any announcements for SLAA or related programs? 

7th Tradition

The 7th Tradition states that every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.  The contributions collected here go to pay rent with the remainder being passed onto the local NY Intergroup and FWS.  The Paypal email for contributions is citylightspaypal7@gmail.com.  

Closing

I’ve asked —— to read “The Promises”.  

In closing, I’d like to say that the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.

A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will realize that there is no circumstance too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while you will discover that, though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.

Talk to one another. Reason things out with someone else. But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

Would all who care to, please join with me in the Serenity Prayer.

 

For safety reasons, our group conscious has decided: we are a video ON meeting – if you need to leave your screen then please log out and log back in. Please make sure your camera is stable and positioned at eye level the entire meeting with appropriate lighting and clothing so that you can be present during the meeting.

 

A link for meeting materials on the bottom of the script: 3rd script down: https://citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript 

 

Please save all feedback, questions, concerns, comments until 10pm after the meeting, put another way: there is no feedback, questions, concerns, comments until 10pm after the meeting.

 

✅ (Intro)

 

 “ You Made it!” welcome home! 

You are the reason this meeting exists 🙂 The purpose of this group is to carry its message of hope to the sex and love addict.  

And that message is, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result” of doing a few simple steps,  We help others and live by these steps. My name is ____ and I’ve been a member of this program for _____and have been sober for over ______ after an acting out career of_________. 

In the next hour I am  going to show exactly how I have recovered from sex love addiction using a few simple steps. 

(Show basic text)

This is the basic text of Sex Love Addicts Anonymous, it starts in 1961 with the story of one the 4 founding members of SLAA, describing his acting out career for 15 years and then creating and recovering in SLAA. The basic text says “we recommend that you also read the book Alcoholics Anonymous”  so we will also use that book tonight and some other related texts including the 12 steps illustrated, which simplifies the language of the steps. 

 “STEP 1 simplified language: is We had to admit: Sex and Love has us down. Our lives are a mess.”   In the basic text of slaa it states:  “Whether we were aware of it or not, our entire being had been molded by our failure, or refusal, to solve from within the problems of our real lives: insecurity, loneliness, and lack of any abiding sense of personal worth and dignity. Through sex, charisma, emotional appeal, or persuausive intellect, we had used other people as drugs to avoid facing our own personal inadequanacy.”  

Quoting the  SLAA pamphlet  “On Setting Bottom Lines  “…. Addictive, destructive behaviors render us unable to maintain self-control, Indulging in such a temptation, to use an A.A . analogy, is our ‘first drink.’” 

Here is an on screen list  list of 40 such behaviors from the bottom lines pamphlet, the basic text of slaa and program members (SHOW ON SCREEN)

You can also see the list in the meeting script at   https://citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript/  and at the very bottom of the meeting script is a link to a pdf with the meeting materials

 [MAKE SURE TO SHARE THIS LIST BELOW, NOT SHARE THE CITYLIGHTS HOME PAGE AT THIS POINT 20 at a time]

 

  1. Contacting my sex qualifier
  2. Contacting my love qualifier
  3. Binge dating
  4. INSTamacy
  5. Swiping excessively
  6. Erotica
  7. Intriguing
  8. Fantasizing
  9. masturbating,
  10. Sextexting
  11. Cheating in committed relationships, 
  12. unhealthy pickup, 
  13. being a matchmaker in an unhealthy way
  14. Having an affair
  15. Excessive dependence on one person
  16. Participating in romantic intrigue
  17. Not leaving an abusive relationship
  18. Compulsive avoidance of sociaVsexual activity
  19. Paying for sex
  20. Anonymous sex
  21. Spending romantic time with someone who is in love with somebody else
  22. Having sex with someone who is married
  23. Pursuing a new relationship before ending an existing one
  24. Having sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship
  25. Having sex with a prostitute
  26. Following someone home uninvited
  27. Doing anything that could reasonably get you arrested
  28. Lying to your spouse
  29. Masturbating to pornography
  30. Having anonymous sex
  31. Going to strip clubs 
  32. Having sex on the first date
  33. Having unprotected sex
  34. Having sex when you don’t want to
  35. Pursuing inappropriate or unavailable people
  36. Compulsively avoiding sex in a committed, long-term relationship
  37. Not entering or leaving a relationship without consulting my Higher Power and trusted advisors
  38. Premature sex,
  39. Exhibitionistic behavior 
  40. Voyeurism 

 

“Write down your addictive, destructive behaviors that you feel powerless over — or

you know need to be stopped with the date you last engaged in each one. These behaviors harm you and/or others. To some degree they make your  life unmanageable, and they have consequences.”   Please title this list “BOTTOM LINE RED LIGHTS SUBTITLE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS”  WRITE DOWN ONLY PHRASES NOT WHOLE SENTENCES, and include the most recent date you engaged in each behavior

 

List Pause to complete list

 

ASK FOR A VIRTUAL HAND RAISING WHEN COMPLETED AND KEEP IT RAISED

 

SLAA was started December 30, 1976, in Boston by 2 women and 2 men who had come to realize that sex, romantic intrigue and dependency were affecting their lives in the same way as had their chemical addictions. They also found this the compulsion to continue with promiscuous sex or to return over and over to destructive relationships could not be controlled by willpower alone.

They found these 12 characteristics. (Save time, DON’T READ ALL, just show on screen) 

 

[MAKE SURE TO SHARE THIS LIST BELOW, NOT SHARE THE CITYLIGHTS HOME PAGE]. 

 

  1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. 
  2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 
  3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 
  4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
  5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
  6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support. 
  7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
  8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
  9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 
  10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 
  11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 
  12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.  

 

Going back to the bottom lines pamphlet you can find in the link at the bottom of the script page at the citylightsnyc.org website in the in step 1 section: 

“As you review your list of destructive behaviors, keep an eye out for similarities. You may begin to see certain patterns of acting-out emerging. Maybe it’s the type of activity you pursue. Perhaps it’s the type of person you pursue. Possibly it’s the way that you create or alter your schedule to make time to act out. For example, your list may reveal that you repeatedly become involved with married people, severe workaholics and those who live far away. Therefore you might conclude that one of your addictive patterns is pursuing unavailable people. Which is the 9th characteristic ”We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.” Identifying addictive patterns helps you avoid “new ways” of acting out – such as switching from beer to wine for an alcoholic”

 PLEASE LIST YOUR PATTERNS NOW WITH THE SUBTITLE “PATTERNS” at the top of this portion of the bottom lines list.  Please include the date you last engaged in each pattern.  If your patterns are any of the 12 characteristics save time by simply listing the number of the characteristics.  You can also see these  characteristics  https://citylightsnyc.org/do-i-belong/  and at the meeting script at citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript

 

 

List  


(After people finished their list)  

 

These two sections  are your bottom lines. Please now look at all the dates in both the behaviors and patterns subsections, the most recent of those dates is your sobriety date in this program.  Please write down your sobriety date now.

 

Quoting now from the basic text of slaa

“ Our physical appearance our mammerisms, the way we went about our careers or other activities, many of the traits we thought of us as our indentifying trademarks, as who we were, had been designed to serve our sex and love addiction. Even if we seemed to possess some positive traits…. we could see that these had been perverted by our addiction…

Quoting now from the bottom lines pamphlet in the enclosed materials after step 1

“You may notice other behaviors than those you just listed that are not destructive by themselves, but serve your addiction. It is vital to be aware of the obsessions, rituals, and triggers that have led to acting out. Look for behaviors that you are not sure belong on your bottom-lines or that have minor consequences. These are warning signs that you are in danger of acting out. ” 

Quoting from the basic text of slaa   “… we found that whenever we engaged in these accessory behaviors, regardless of how innocent or unaware we were of doing so, we had unwittingly set up the potential for sexual and emotional intrigue — just what we were trying

so desperately to avoid!” (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous)

 

 “Here are 24  examples of accessory behaviors:  ( pause screen share to show on screen) [MAKE SURE TO SHARE THIS LIST BELOW, NOT SHARE THE CITYLIGHTS HOME PAGE]

 

  1. Excessive Handshaking
  2. Backrubs 
  3. Hugging
  4. Cruising for sex
  5. Driving in certain neighborhoods
  6. Going places where you will run into a former unavailable partner
  7. Exchanging phone numbers
  8. Screening phone calls
  9. Maintaining multiple phone numbers
  10. Having conversations with an erotic subtext
  11. Contacting former sex partners
  12. Carrying a condom
  13. Dressing provocatively
  14. Keeping a packed overnight bag
  15. Having large amounts of cash in your pocket
  16. Drinking  or using drugs
  17. Ignoring/overlooking abusive behavior
  18. Looking up specific search words on the Internet
  19. Reading romance novels
  20.  Seeing romantic movies
  21.  Reading personal ads
  22.  Routinely rejecting social invitations
  23.  Obsessing/fantasizing about unavailable people
  24.  Making eye contact

 

List your accessory behaviors, with the most recent date you engaged in each behavior, Title this part of the list ”MIDDLE LINES YELLOW LIGHTS ACCESSORY BEHAVIORS”

 

PAUSE

 

Do you now admit  to your innermost self that sex and love has you down, your life is a mess? We are now going to unmute you

 

Those who answered yes have now completed step one.” 

Now that we have admitted we have a problem let’s look at what we have to do in order to overcome this problem.

STEP 2  there is help. 

    SLAA is 19 thousand people around the world many of whom have recovered from Sex and Love Addiction. According to the Big book  “We are normally people who would not mix ….(But)The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us…We are not an organization in the conventional sense of the word. …The only requirement for membership is an honest desire to stop acting out.   This  particular meeting is part of the group Citylights New York, citylights nyc.org  

Step 2 is that there is help that can bring us back to sanity. It’s up to each of us to define what that help is: it could be this meeting,  NYC, a famous religious figure, it’s up to each of us to define that concept.  According to the big book “We found that as soon as we were able to..express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power.” In order to recover from our problem, our addiction,  we have to find a power greater than ourselves, but where are we going to start finding it?

In the big book” We found the Great Reality deep down within us.” Let’s find that higher power within.  Lets now focus on healthy behaviors that according to the bottom line pamphlet   “are behaviors that have a positive, personal element… that fulfill, nurture, bring healthy pleasure, growth and improve quality of life.”

 

Here are 16 examples from members in the program (continue reading below):

  1. Pray and meditate
  2. Leave the house today
  3. Take care of myself today (for example: brushing teeth … )
  4. Talk to my sponsor before turning down an invitation to a social event
  5. Show up for my commitments (dates, meetings, etc.)
  6. Playing a musical instrument
  7. Taking a class
  8. Exercising
  9. Communing with nature
  10. Expressing creativity
  11. Asking for help and support from friends
  12. Scheduling a time for social interaction, partnership and intimacy
  13. Saying affirmations each day
  14. Calling as many people as needed to actually talk with someone, not just leaving voicemails
  15. Play games or sports with others
  16. Reading chapter 5 of the basic text on withdrawal from bottom lines

 

Please title this section of the  list “TOP LINES GREEN LIGHTS HEALTHY BEHAVIORS” and list your healthy behaviors now: 

(Pause to complete list)

Going back to the big book  “We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is help?

 

My answer is yes.

Your answer is? Unmuting everyone

 

According to the basic text authors, those who answered yes have taken step 2

 

STEP 3  I let a higher power take over. 

In the The Big Book

“The first requirement to recovery is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success….Selfishness–self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Above everything, we (addicts) must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!…Remember you are dealing with sex love addiction,  it is cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it is too much for you. But higher power has power. You must find higher power now. Half measures will avail you nothing. You stand at the turning point. Through yourself under higher powers protection and care with complete abandon. ’ 

Are you willing to go to any lengths to get sober?  If so, will you commit now to becoming  “sober” by abstaining from the red and yellow light patterns and behaviors on a daily basis? Let’s give those who answered yes a hand, unmuting 

(While clapping)

 Yes, we are solving the problem.  The third step consists of a prayer found

 

“God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” 

 

End of step 3

 

STEP 4   I need to look at my life.

 

According to the big book

“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal house cleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision, in the 3rd step prayer we just took was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our (acting out) was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

“Therefore, we started a personal inventory. This was step four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret.” 

They go on

“We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.”  We dont look at our lives alone, but we do so with the help of another sober sex love addict. 

STEP 5   “ I tell my story, I admit all I did wrong. “

 In the big book  “The fifth step. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome acting out. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they acted out (and broke their bottom lines). Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their house cleaning…We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.’

We need you to tell your story to a sharing partner in a breakout room for a total of 10 minutes, 5 minutes each. Please follow the questions in order and the instructions, especially writing down each other’s answers. Answers are only names only. Request help from us if you need it, we will come in and help you. You dont have to make a long list of names, just the names you most remember.  Make sure to add the plus sign when appropriate, the details will be in the instructions.

 

 YOU WILL ALSO FIND ALL QUESTIONS IN THE MEETING SCRIPT HERE: https://citylightsnyc.org/meetingscript/   SINCE NO SCREEN SHARING IN THE BREAKOUT, please make sure participants have these questions before going to the break out room, “Do you have the questions?”

(SCREEN SHARE AND/OR CUT AND PASTE INTO A CHAT MESSAGE) 

Partner A asks Partner B: 1. Who or what are you angry at? make a list of people, institutions or principles with whom you am angry: [EXAMPLES of answers: People: family, relatives, friends, race,. society, individuals, men, women, employees, personnel, staff police lawyers, judges, doctors, creditors, school mates, teachers; institutions: asylums, hospitals, organizations, fellowships, associations, unions, corporations, guidelines, rule:. directions, regulations, schools, jobs, rehabs, marriage, church, religion, government, educational institutions,  correctional facilities, mental facilities; Principles:  ethics,directions, morals, conceptions. codes of conduct, philosophies, thinking, knowledge, laws, wisdom, directions conceptions.]

”  Partner A writes down B’s answers. Then, A asks:  Are you to blame either with any names on this list,  or have you ever done what was done to you to others?  A lists those others and puts a “+” next to each name B is to blame with. Its very important that you add the PLUS sign next to each name where your sharing partner is to blame.   Now partner B does the same for question 1 to partner A. 

A asks first:  2. Who or what are you afraid of?  (Get answers for the first part before doing the second part of the question)  Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A.

A asks first: 3. Toward whom have you been selfish (see the list of sorts of people above)? Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame Then B asks A

A asks first: 4. Who have you been dishonest with? Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A

A asks first: 5. What about false pride-do you feel better than or less than others? Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A

A asks first: 6. Are you jealous of any other relationships-including not trusting someone you are/were in a relationship with? Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame Then B asks A

A asks first: 7. Do you envy anyones possessions?  Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A

A asks first: 8. Where have you been lazy? Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A

A asks first: 9. Who have you hurt by your unsober sex and love?  Are you to blame with any names listed?  + for each blame. Then B asks A

 

NOW WE WILL ENTER BREAKOUT ROOMS

 

AFTER 1ST BREAKOUT ROOM   “WE HAVE NOW COMPLETED STEPS 4/5

 

STEP 6  I want to be free. 

In this Step, the “Big Book” authors have us answer to ourselves a simple question, when ready,   “Are you now ready to let God remove from you all the things which you JUST have admitted are objectionable?” Those who answered yes have taken step 6

 

STEP 7   “I ask  higher power to help me be free”

This Step is straightforward. It consists of a prayer in which we ask God to remove our liabilities and strengthen our assets so we can be of maximum service to all.

  The prayer is found in the Big Book. Let’s say it together

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.” We have then completed step seven. 

Big Book 

‘Now we need more action, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.” Let’s look at steps eight and nine. 

STEP 8 “I ask who did I hurt? How can I fix it?”

STEP 9 “ “I try to fix things if I can, I clean the house.”

The Big book P. 76 paragraph 3 line 3 

“We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing, fix things for (amends). We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we don’t have the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at step 3 that we would go to any lengths for victory over acting out.’

  1. 83 of an unofficial workbook called The Big Book Awakening  defines an apology versus fixing things directly aka an amends. 

(An) “Apology is a polite gesture that sometimes does not imply admission of guilt or regret, but only a desire to clear the grounds for some reason.  Fixing things (an amends) is to formally compensate others for the harm I caused them with a sincere desire to correct my behavior of the past and for the future, to right my wrongs.”  There are 4 ways to fix things: 1 direct,2  living,  3 service aka in kind, and a 4 letter.  “Here is a script for fixing things directly from an unofficial 12 step workbook: Write the exact nature of the wrong that you’re aware…if you’re not clear on the harm write

‘Ask’…. Making the Approach.

Always fix things directly, make direct amends, face to face or grave site. If it is not possible to do face to face then use a phone call or a letter.

You say to them:

  1. This is why I’m here
  2. This is the harm I’m clear on.
  3. Is there any other harm I’m not aware of that you need to tell me about?
  4. Do you need to tell me how any of this hurt you personally or your company?
  5. Is there anything I can do to make this right?”

 

The second way to fix things is a living fixing of things aka a living amends through the correct behavior or through better intent, living the right way now. Behaviorally we can be honest instead of cheating as we did in the past for example.  Intent wise we can say according to the Big book  “When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

The 3rd way to fix things is a service fixing of things aka a service amends through service in slaa or similar situations instead of acting out or to make up for past acting out such as helping others do the inventory or helping run a meeting like this one. 

The 4th way of fixing things is a letter way of fixing things aka a letter amends  is to write a letter to someone we can’t do face to face because they are no longer with us or we are not in contact with them any longer. The big book says “There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we send them an honest letter.” Here, the sharing partners sit down together and write the letter. Then the sharing partner reads it aloud and then burns it, the letter, not the inventory list, after reading it aloud.  

We will now enter Breakout rooms for 5 minutes to finish amends list–next to each name that was circled or a + was put next to it in the previous breakout room session write down the type of amends with the sharing partner.

AFTER COMPLETING THE BREAKOUT ROOMS

Quoting back to basics of recovery  by Wally P “Dr. Bob…learned he could not recover until he made his amends. In the big book on P.156 we learn that Bob accomplished his amends in 1 day. 

So: “ will you try to fix things if  you can,” starting tomorrow Wednesday, doing your homework without your dog eating it, “fixing things directly for such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others?”  My answer is yes. How about you?

STEP 10  “I check up on myself, I am honest.” 

In the big book  “Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly, if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help with their sex and love addiction.  If we follow this “course of action”  our obsession to act out (by breaking our bottom lines) will be removed. 

In the Big Book  “It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for acting out is a subtle foe. We are not cured of sex love addiction. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Everyday is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee–Thy will (not mine) be done.”

Will we “continue  to check up on ourselves, will we be honest and when we are  wrong promptly admit it?” My answer  is yes.

 We have completed step 10.

 

STEP 11  “ I ask higher power to live the right way now.”

In the Big Book. ”When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. “

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day.”  From the “How to Listen To God” pamphlet “ You can discover for yourself the most important and practical thing any human being can ever learn–how to be in touch with” higher power.  All that is needed is the willingness to try it honestly.  

 

These are the conditions (let’s everybody in the meeting try to meet them now): 

– To be quiet and still 

– To listen 

– To be honest about every thought that comes 

– To test the thoughts to be sure that they come from God 

– To obey . 

  So right now  relax, tune in … 

From the Big Book  “Before we begin, our quiet time we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty or self-seeking motives.”

Back to the how to listen to god pamphlet NOW

“Open your heart to  higher power..

Listen 

Just be still, quiet, relaxed and open. Let your mind go “loose.” Let God do the talking. Thoughts, ideas, and impressions will begin to come into your mind and heart. Be alert and aware and open to everyone. 

Write! 

Here is the important key to the whole process. Write down everything that comes into your mind. Everything. Writing is simply a means of recording so that you can remember later. Don’t sort out or edit your thoughts at this point. 

Don’t say to yourself: 

This thought isn’t important; 

This is just an ordinary thought; 

This can’t be guidance; 

This isn’t nice; 

Write down everything that passes through your mind: 

Names of people; 

Things to do; 

Things to say; 

Write down everything: 

Good thoughts – bad thoughts 

Comfortable thoughts – uncomfortable thoughts; 

….”crazy” thoughts. 

Be honest! Write down everything! A thought comes quickly, and it escapes even more quickly unless it is captured and put down. 

Take 30 seconds…When the flow of thoughts slows down, stop. Take a good look at what you have written. Not every thought we have comes from God. So we need to test our thoughts. Here is where the written record helps us to be able to look at them. 

From Back to basics of Recovery by Wally P `How do we distinguish between those that come from self will and those that are of God’s will? We test them using the questions from our first breakout session.   Test the thoughts by the list, if they can be part of that list 9 questions, or the right sized blank inventory sheet in step 4 of the pdf  they are not from HP. 

Obey 

Starting with a check mark from HP thoughts, Carry out the good  from HP thoughts that have come. You will only be sure of guidance as you go through with it. A rudder will not guide a boat until the boat is moving. As you obey, very often the results will convince you that you are on the right track. 

For the founder of the sister program Bill W  according to the Big Book P. 17 top of the 4th para big book “I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within.”

For Bill it was common sense to use acting out to escape his problems, and uncommon sense to stay sober and let god guide him through his difficulties. Bill’s life changed as the direct result of listening to and following guidance.

That’s all there is to it. If you’ve made conscious contact with the god of your understanding and you have started listening to guidance, you have, in fact had what the big book classes on the top paragraph of Roman Numeral 29 the “psychic change” You are now living what the big book calls on  P. 66 1st paragraph the  ”sunlight of the spirit.”

And “Will you ask higher power to live the right way now? “

 

Those who answered yes have taken step 11. 

The big book  says  “But this is not all. In order to maintain the spiritual transformation, however, God’s discipline is not enough. There is action and more action. “Faith without work is dead.’ Chapter 7 of the big book is entirely devoted to STEP TWELVE which is:   

STEP 12  I help others. I live by these steps.

“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from acting out (breaking our bottom lines) as intensive work with other sex love addicts. It works when other activities fail….Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends–this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.” 

The enclosed statistics from the sister program monthly grapevine from August 1946 “The Minneapolis record Indicates that 75% are successful. The…group….(kept a) record of the sobriety of members from 3 months up…” (5,4,3,2 year members 100% successful, 0% slipped on their bottom lines, red light behavior 75% overall success rate for 1943-45. The proof in these statistics:  The meetings with these %s did the steps like we just did  immediately. Today, according to stats less than ½ this amount, less than 33% stay sober as most people are often blocked from getting to step 12. 

In the enclosed materials in the next page is titled “Back to the Basics of Sponsorship Key Concepts from the 1940’s:  “# 1.Put no block between the sponsee and Step Twelve. Get the sponsee to Step Twelve as quickly as possible, so he or she can experience the life-changing spiritual awakening that occurs as the direct result of taking the Steps. Assure the sponsee that our program of action “works-it really does.” Explain that the process is simple and straight­forward.”

According to Wally P, Author of Back to Basics of Recovery  “Bob took 5000 people through the steps in 10 years, do the math that’s 1.12 people a day”

On pp. 13-14 in the big book we read that Bill W while at Towns Hospital in NYC took the steps in one day, recovered and never acted out again. Later in this chapter we learn that Bill D did the steps right away.

 The pioneers of the sister program repeated this process hundreds of thousands of times during the early days with remarkable success.”

  1. 6  Back to Basics of Recovery

…..“When a newcomer enters the 12 step community, What if we assume the newcomer is going to relapse tomorrow . Why not take him or her through the steps today in order to prevent that relapse tomorrow?”

The big book on  P. 18 top of the 3rd paragraph  “Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade a sex love addict to discuss his situation without reserve. Significant others, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor. However, the big book states  “as an ex problem” (sex love addict) who has “found this solution”, Can you see that as the big book says at the bottom of P. 89  you can be uniquely useful to other sex and love addicts ” because “you may talk to them about the hopelessness of sex love addiction “because you offer a solution?”

 

And Bill D says  “I came into SLAA solely for the purpose of sobriety but it has been through SLAA that I have found higher power.” 

Big book “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone– even acting out  For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in acting out. If tempted, we recoil from it as if from a hot flame. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality–safe and protected. The problem (sex and love addiction) has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition” by constantly checking up on ourselves, the 10th step and helping others make amends step 12. 

To review we are powerless over our addiction, we need a higher power, we find that power making amends and helping others fix things and teaching them how to teach others to fix things. You will lose your sobriety and break your bottom lines, relapse and may end up in a very, very bad place if you don’t do step 12, and you can’t do step 12 until you do the other 11 steps, and that means you have to do your homework which is step 9, its spiritual homework that is of a life and death matter.

So…..”having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps….”  “will you live by these steps and get better” Will you try to help other sex and love addicts? Will your primary purpose at meetings be to save lives? My answer to all of these is yes, what about you?

A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will realize that there is no circumstance too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while you will discover that, though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.

 Would all who care to, please  join with me in the closing slogan:

 

KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT SO WORK IT YOU’RE WORTH IT AND LIVE IT!

 

according to our 7th Tradition, “Every S.L.A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.”  We have no dues or fees but we do have expenses and we sometimes make contributions  to  the New York Intergroup and to SLAA’s Fellowship-Wide Services office which provide service to the Fellowship on a regional and Worldwide basis respectively. Please give what you can. If you can’t, please keep coming back — we need you more than your money.  Details on contributing are here: https://citylightsnyc.org/contribute/ venmo  @slaacitylights

 

Questions: Citylightsnyc.slaa@gmail.com

 

(Also,  dating and sex plans area unique program tool for slaa you can find  one female member’s  is after the 12th step section in the enclosed materials)

 

PDF for meeting materials:

https://documentcloud.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:1c7eba20-23c6-499b-84f5-0e192a607c6d